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Spicy Humor :)

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by need4speed, Feb 12, 2004.

  1. need4speed

    need4speed Formula 3

    Nov 3, 2003
    1,597
    Pacific Palisades
    THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!

    If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
    your cheeks then there's no hope for you! Note: Please take time to read
    this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
    the third judge is even better!

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It
    takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
    like a schmuck to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    directions to the
    Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other Two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing basic kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames
    out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the panicky look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, Now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
    beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. ***** is starting to
    look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can
    no longer focus my eyes. I wet farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks! Jesus my poor east coast cute ass is burning a hole
    in my designer underpants.....

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    Judge # 3-- I **** myself (again) when I farted and I'm worried it will
    eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
    I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
    fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
    he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
    hot chili?
     
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  3. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,647
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    i took this as a challenge, so i tried reading the whole thing, very seriously...

    This is where i lost it... i laughed once or twice prior to reading this part, but when i got here, i lost it and, just like the beginning of the joke said, i started tearing... It was all downhill from there...

    i am NOT a fan of chili and there is an EXTREMELY short list of "spicy" or "hot" things that i will eat, so this was especially funny for me...


    Need, thanks for posting this; i have strep (sp?) throat, so just laughing at all probably contributed to some of the tears, but hot damn if this wasn't the funniest, most rootin' tootin' thing i've read in a while... LOL, i'm still laughing...
     
  4. Jay GT4

    Jay GT4 F1 Rookie

    Oct 16, 2001
    4,995
    La mamma dei fessi
    Full Name:
    e sempre incinta
    That's where I lost it! I can't even see what I'm typing.
     
  5. C. Losito

    C. Losito Formula Junior

    Dec 12, 2003
    908
    Metro St. Louis
    Full Name:
    Chris Losito
    I lost it on chili #3. :D
     
  6. Dom

    Dom F1 Veteran
    Rossa Subscribed Owner

    Nov 5, 2002
    7,819
    Southern California
    Full Name:
    Dom V.
    mmmmmmm Chili.

    Well, while we are discussing chili, here is my chili recipe:

    1) Prepare Sauce

    6-8 Dried New Mexico Chiles
    4 Dried Ancho Chiles
    4 Dried Pasilla Chiles
    3 Dried Anaheim Chile
    2 Dried Cascabel Chiles
    2 Dried Chipotle Chiles
    1 Habanero Chili
    2 Cloves Garlic
    1 Teaspoon Cumin
    1 Bottle Beer
    Salt, Oregano, to taste

    Add 8 cups boiling H2O to New Mexico, Ancho, Pasilla, Anaheim, and Cascabel Chiles. Let soak 30 minutes. Place in blender with 1/2 of soaked H2O plus fresh H2O and beer. Add 2 cloves of garlic and blend for ~3 minutes. Strain the resulting puree into a pot. Add cumin, salt, oregano, chipotle and habanero chiles. Simmer.


    2) Prepare rest of chili.

    2 lbs meat. (Ground or cut up into small pieces)
    1 Green Pepper, chopped
    1 Red Pepper, chopped
    1 Onion, chopped
    3 Cloves Garlic
    4 strips bacon
    16 Ozs Corn or Beans.

    Cook Bacon. Eat Bacon. Add garlic, peppers, onion to bacon fat and cook 2 minutes. Add meat, and brown. Add chili sauce. Simmer for a few hours. Add corn or beans about 1 hour before serving. Skim fat before serving.

    Notes: You may use a different variety of chiles. Be creative and experiment. The Habanero Chili is VERY HOT. If you want a milder chili, do not add.
     
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  8. shmark

    shmark F1 Rookie

    Oct 31, 2003
    2,967
    Atlanta
    Full Name:
    Mark
    I made it to here before I had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes. Best laugh in a while!

    Mark
     
  9. formula1joe

    formula1joe Formula Junior

    Nov 3, 2003
    436
    Atlanta, GA
    Full Name:
    Joe Bennett
    I made it to 3 before starting laughing. At 5 I had tears in my eyes and the rest was hard to read. I have tried reading the whole thing, but my sid hurst too much now.
     
  10. ross

    ross Three Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    Mar 25, 2002
    31,800
    houston/geneva
    Full Name:
    Ross
    damn that was funny !!!!!!!!!! thank you, i needed that !!!!!!!!! laughed my ass off and had tears - just as you promised !
     
  11. Steve Darrah

    Steve Darrah Rookie

    Nov 5, 2003
    35
    Midlothian, Virginia
    Full Name:
    Stephen C. Darrah
    Absolutely one of the top 2-3 funniest descriptions I read.I started laughing at the description of the first chili and had to haul my butt off the floor continuously after that!Well Done,need4speed.FYI-this has received a world wide distribution!!!!!!!!!!
     
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  13. need4speed

    need4speed Formula 3

    Nov 3, 2003
    1,597
    Pacific Palisades
    "World Wide". Very cool. :)

    Everyone's responses so far are killing me. I'm glad everyone is enjoying it. I have my Dad to thank for this one. And Dom, we need to talk. That recipe of yours sounds delicious. :)

    Happy Friday the 13th to all
     
  14. Prancing_Horse

    Prancing_Horse Formula Junior

    Dec 23, 2003
    528
    Arlington,VA
    Full Name:
    Dan
    try agian

    i didnt laugh much

    i wish i did though
     
  15. F40

    F40 F1 Rookie

    Apr 16, 2003
    3,227
    I laughed a bit... But I've seen this around 10 times in the last year and a half...
     
  16. cabrio_fan

    cabrio_fan Formula Junior

    Mar 23, 2002
    262
    Atlanta, GA
    Full Name:
    Michael Davidson
    Very funny!

    I chuckled at: "Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? "

    I started tearing at: "I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it."

    I lost it at: "You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing."

    I'm still at work (8:30pm) and I think the cleaning crew is wondering about me!!!!

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Mike
     

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