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The New Joke Thread------------

Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by tonyh, Feb 11, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #1 tonyh, Feb 11, 2004
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
    BAD DOG-------------------------------------------------




    The dinner party's over.


    Your parents are there,






    Your inlaws are there,


    Your boss and his wife are there,


    The vicar and his wife are there,


    You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening


    Then in walks the dog...................
    Image Unavailable, Please Login
     
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  3. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #2 tonyh, Feb 11, 2004
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  4. 360CS

    360CS F1 Rookie

    Nov 1, 2003
    2,641
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    Huge line of diners outside chinese restaurant in Morecombe bay... when asked what was wrong the manager replied.....we are waiting for the staff to wash up.....
     
  5. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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  6. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Apparently the gang bosses that were involved with the Chinese cockle
    pickers were stating in their defence that they specifically told the
    workers to get out when the tide reached knee high. Apparently Knee High was
    on the pier having a *** at the time...............

    The case continues
     
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  8. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang F1 World Champ
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    tonyh,
    ROTLFLAMO
    thanks for the "Bad Dog" story! Thats a great one!!!

    Wolfarossa
    FORZA FERRARI
     
  9. Philjay50

    Philjay50 Formula Junior

    Jan 16, 2003
    594
    Chester, England
    Full Name:
    Philip
    A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish"
    "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"......said the wife.
    The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
    Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
    "Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me"
    The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.


    Men might be bastards but Fairies are Female!
     
  10. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?". She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?". I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE". My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?". She replied "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
     
  11. 360CS

    360CS F1 Rookie

    Nov 1, 2003
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    Whats the difference between the chinese cocklers and Debbie Harry??


    Debbie Harry knew when the tide was high!!!
     
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  13. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Lancashire Weather for the weekend

    Blackpool: overcast, light breeze

    Morecambe Bay: dead nippy
     
  14. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang F1 World Champ
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    "Do you know the reason why the british gents are drinking so much tea?"





    Have you ever tasted their coffee?:D
     
  15. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
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    tonyh,

    Great jokes as ever - got any friday 13th jokes ???????????

    Cheers

    MW
     
  16. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Friday 13th
    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

    As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
    'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.

    'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

    'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'

    The guy thinks for a second and says.
    'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'

    'Have a nice weekend.' said the officer.
     
  17. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

    Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

    "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,Shoite!"

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

    He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

    He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

    Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

    "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
     
  18. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

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    Tony,

    Thanks and have a nice weekend

    MW
     
  19. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    cheers, you too.
     
  20. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Q.. What do you have when your wife has pmt and esp..?
    A.. A b itch that knows everything..

    Q.. What do women and comdoms have in common..?
    A.. They both spend more time in your wallet than they do on your c ock..

    When i get reincarnated i want to come back as a tablecloth that way i`ll get laid and pulled off three times a day..
     
  21. Dale

    Dale F1 Veteran

    Oct 7, 2003
    5,211
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    Dale Juan
    Hi guys im getting a bit of a stand up comic at work now because im the joke
    thief,sorry there realy funny so they have to go to work,

    Jester.
     
  22. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
    job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
    people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
    ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
    would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
    interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
    Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It
    just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
    just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

    "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
    the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you
    don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
    of."

    "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very
    popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
    contemplating his reply.

    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
    there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
    pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
    TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
    had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
    Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
    question.

    The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
    obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said
    the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the
    fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran
    for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
    I had already ***** my pants!
     
  23. stevetr

    stevetr Formula Junior

    Sep 29, 2003
    379
    Surrey, UK
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    Stephen
    His business is going through a really hard time and the owner knows he needs to make one of his two employees redundant to survive. Jack and Jill are both extremely loyal and hard working, and the owner just can't choose between them.

    Eventually he decides to call them into his office one at a time and discuss the problem with them individually.

    First off he calls Jill in and sits her down. "Jill i have this real dilemma, its been keeping me awake at night and I just don't know what to do. You see, its like this.... I can't decide whether to lay you or jack off?"
     
  24. mal

    mal Formula Junior

    Jan 12, 2004
    615
    Kent
    Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You may know
    about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person
    who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him
    as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees these years are:

    A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
    cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
    vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire Burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
    died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall
    and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
    black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
    trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing
    a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
    rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approximately 12" long and 3" in diameter.
    The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

    Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
    altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
    aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
    details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to> start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
    ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping
    the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
    into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
    removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

    A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
    near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
    passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not
    have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that
    the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
    woman lost her own.

    A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
    hetried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Garcia, a fast-food
    worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
    foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
    jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Garcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the> distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the Warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

    AND THE WINNER.....

    Based on a bet by the other members of his three-some, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
    compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
    surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
    of stupidity, we have not only allowed it but have awarded it first place.
     
  25. 96impalaSS

    96impalaSS F1 Rookie

    Dec 8, 2003
    3,504
    Hell
    Full Name:
    Chris
    Dear god some people are idiots. Still Kinda sad most of them all died because of there stupid actions, except the golfer who had a fate worse than death IMO. Still funny though. :( :)
     
  26. F308 MAN

    F308 MAN F1 Rookie

    Jan 19, 2004
    2,907
    Isle of Man
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    Dave S
    An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board and only four parachutes.
    The first passenger says "I am Jonny Wilkinson, the best fly half in Britain.
    The English need me, it would be unfair to them if i died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
    The second passenger, Graca Machel, says "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
    The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. Apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people, not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.
    The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, " I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute".
    The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag !"

    ps ...."isle of man weekend proposals" are now published in the relevant thread.
     
  27. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Dec 23, 2002
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    The Hypnotist

    It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping
    the
    bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
    stuff.

    As Claude took to the stage he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who
    invite
    two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend
    to
    hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
    antique
    pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
    antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
    six
    generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
    quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
    watch."

    The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
    the
    swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
    and
    fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "*****!" said the hypnotist..........



    It took three weeks to clean up the theatre!!
     
  28. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Snappy Answer No. 1
    A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
    Snappy Answer No. 2
    A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."

    Snappy Answer No. 3
    A policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

    Snappy Answer No. 4
    A truck driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The truck driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

    And finally No. 5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

    A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,

    or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
    whatsoever!".

    A smart-arse in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?". The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

    When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand."
     

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