An Aussie , a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aussie took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Aussie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear....... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
An Englishman is visiting Australia for a business trip. He is stopped at customs, and an offical starts to quiz him. The officer searches his bags, checks and double checks his papers, asks him again about his business in Australia. Our man is becoming rather vexed from all of this - yet still the interrogation continues. Finally the customs offical asks: "So, sir, do you have a criminal record?" Our hero looks him in the eye and replies: "Sorry, I didn't think you still needed one of those to get in." Cheers, TOM
A man goes up to a bird in a club and says.... "the name's bond", The girl replies "let me guess - James Bond?!!". He replies "No, unibond. I've come to fill your crack!"
A man has been walking for many miles along a very narrow single cliff-top path and meets a rather large but attactive woman coming the other way. What should he do, toss himself off or block her passage ????
Sherlock holmes and Dr Watson are walking throught the park. They pass a bench with three women sitting eating banana's. "After-noon, ladies" says Sherlock. Dr Watson turns to Sherlock and says, "Do you know those ladies?" Sherlock smiles back and says, "If you mean do I know the Nun, the Prostitute and the married woman, no I dont." "That's remarkable, Holmes," says Dr Watson. "How did you know what they were?" "Elementry, Watson. The first woman is breaking bits of banana off and eating it, I deduce she is a nun. The second is ramming the banana in with both hands, therefore a prostitute." "And the third? How did you know she was married? By a ring?" "No, by the way she is holding the banana in one hand and pushing her head towards it with the other."
Subject: Fw: looks like we are all redundant One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Walmart
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and screams, "I'm too young to die!" Twice more she wails, "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!" She shakes and sobs for a just a moment, and then gathers her courage and continues, "Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman." He's gorgeous: Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the trembling woman and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and whispers... "Iron this."
Friday joke from MW A blonde, brunette, and red-head got stranded in the desert when their car broke down. They each decided to take one thing from the car. The brunette took the windsheild wipers so that if there was any water on them she could have a drink, the red-head took the seat so if she got tired she could sit down, the blonde took the car door so that if she got hot she could roll the window down.
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?"She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." Image Unavailable, Please Login
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. "Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice-cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
TV/Radio Entendres MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Super bike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green." CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs." CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" And not forgetting: Cricket - "The bowler's holding the batsman's Willey"
Child support; The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart > > >>>
A man walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So he entered the other one, closedthe door, dropped his trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you going?" He thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude he replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, he heard the voiceagain: "So, what are you up to mate? Again he answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, he replied "Umm, I'm just having a quick sh*t mate. How about yourself?" He then heard the voice for the third time....."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ck in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." -------------------------------------------- A Redneck father takes his 13 year old daughter to the doctor to get her put on the pill. The doctor asked if she was sexually active yet? The father replied "Oh no she just lies on her back like her mother".
A little old couple prepare to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion. 7 points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he ****s in bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will neve hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. This is your Captain............. While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "Us Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! Your turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right. Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that US Air 2771?" Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?" ================================== A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able......If not,take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ================================== Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid! ================================== Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7." Easter 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes, we copied Eastern......we've already notified our caterers." ================================== The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. Soit was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206." Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 is clear of active runway. Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha one-seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going? Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206: (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop!" ================================== O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.....I've got the little Fokker in sight." ================================== A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overhear the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
we always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules:- 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Crying is blackmail. 6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 15. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is. 16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars. 21. You have enough clothes. 22. You have too many shoes. 23. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 24. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow Q.How did the blonde die raking the leaves? A. she fell out of the tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.what are the lumps around a womans nipple. A.braille for suck here --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.....What do you call a guy that doesnt't cheat on his wife on an extended business trip away? A......An Astronaut . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick. Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------1.Why are A,B,C,D,E,F used as bra sizes? A:almost boobs B:barely there! C:can live with these! D:damb good! E:enourmous! F: FAKE!!!
The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against Michael Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest.
Logical ScientistTwo builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit... Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ... Dave: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Dave: - Oh ! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Dave: - Me? Never Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life ! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope Dave: - Well then, you're a w anker.
