1. The Female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.) 7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.) 8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining. 17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Bumper Stickers for Women * Not Drunk. Just Blonde. * I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong * It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. * Don't stare at me, buy me a drink. * Veni, Vedi, VISA: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping. * Next mood swing: 6 minutes * So many men... so few who can afford me. * Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. * Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time. * If we are what we eat... I'm fast cheap and easy. * I'm sorry honey, I just don't have the energy to fake it tonight. * I'm really easy to get along with, once you learn to worship me.
Here's an active e-Bay item that's received over 8,000,000 hits! Read it from to to bottom....it's a laugh http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=63851&item=4146756343&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW Cheers, MARK
Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wisecrack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much Little Johnny." He then said," This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why,yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses"
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants... 1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword 2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 3) Name the Capital of France? F 4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell 5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar 6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospita 7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil 8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)? A pig in sh*t 9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. 10) A dangerous race? The Arabs 11) Something that floats in a bath? Water 12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse 13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair 14) A famous Royal? Mail 15) Something that flies that doesn t have an engine? A bicycle with wings 16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 17) Something a cat does? Goes to the Toilet 18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate 19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on 20) Something associated with pigs? The Police 21) A sign of the Zodiac? April 22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing 23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep 24) Something you put on walls? A roof 25) Something Slippery? A conman 26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish 27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam 28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato 29) A famous Scotsman? Jock 30) Something you open other than a door? Your bowels
Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it... a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo? Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50." Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. " Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's". "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer. " Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you knowthat a badger lives in a sett?" Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for Dole' scheme and employ scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear. This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a picture of Coulthard's girlfriend in a bikini.
