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Tuesday Joke------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Mar 9, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Logical Scientist;
    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
    rough
    pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
    at
    the
    bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
    suit...

    Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

    Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
    gets
    the
    better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he
    sees
    that
    the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
    the
    better of the builder ...

    Dave: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
    wondering
    what you do for a living?

    Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

    Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?

    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
    home?

    Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
    pond.
    Which is it?

    Dave: - It's in a pond!

    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large
    garden
    then?

    Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have

    large
    garden then you have a large house?

    Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It
    myself!

    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
    logical to
    assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
    quite
    probably married?

    Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

    with
    your wife on a regular basis?

    Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
    very
    often?

    Dave: - Me? Never

    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

    Dave: - How's that then?

    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
    about
    your sex life !

    Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

    Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

    Stuart: - What's that then?

    Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

    Stuart: - Nope

    Dave: - Well then, you're a w anker.
     
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  3. Tyler

    Tyler F1 Rookie

    Dec 19, 2001
    4,274
    dusty old farm town
    Full Name:
    Tyler
  4. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    WHO and Stuart????

    A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to
    him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing
    your accent. Are you from Krakow?"

    "Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.

    "It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well
    dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the Humor
    Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy
    to set you up."

    Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his
    new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point,
    so he decided to take a shot in the dark.

    The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a
    Krakauer there?"

    "Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"

    ___________________________

    DL
     
  5. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    HAHA ! A'noon Dave.
     
  6. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

    In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband.

    As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    The man answered, "Just great, ass hole...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
     
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  8. tifosi69

    tifosi69 Formula 3

    Dec 23, 2003
    1,671
    Atlanta, Ga.
    Full Name:
    Al-Al Cool J

    Now THAT is FUNNY !! LOL
     
  9. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    was happy.
    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we dicided to get married.
    My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
    There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
    It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
    One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me" I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
    I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for out daughter. Welcome to the family."

    The moral of this story is; ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR.
     
  10. sherpa23

    sherpa23 F1 Veteran
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    May 28, 2003
    9,501
    Colorado
    Full Name:
    Bastuna


    ROFLMAO!!!!!!
     
  11. Wildwarrior

    Wildwarrior Formula Junior

    Mar 26, 2003
    280
    PA
    Full Name:
    Glen Winters
    Three Texas Surgeons were playing golf together and bragging about surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

    The second surgeon said; "That's nothing. A young man lost his arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States!
     
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