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Wednesday Joke--------------------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Mar 10, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
    together.

    I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
    rekindle a little of that magic.

    "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
    I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

    She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
    "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
    that's a few
    Inches wider these days!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
    She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

    "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

    So I hung up.
     
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  3. ryalex

    ryalex Two Time F1 World Champ
    Consultant Owner

    Aug 6, 2003
    22,361
    Las Vegas, NV
    Full Name:
    Ryan Alexander
    LOL. Going to send that to some friends.

    BTW, I wanted to mention www.despair.com on a joke thread... if you love or hate those cheesy "motivational" posters (stock photo and stale teamwork or leadership quote), then you must see this site and their "DeMotivators!"

    I've been visiting their site for several years now, and it's probably a repost, but if you haven't seen it yet, you must right now. I love the Classics, and the older ones the best.
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the
    imminent birth of their respective children.

    One is an Frenchman , one English and the other a West Indian.
    They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these
    situations.
    All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying
    "Gentlemen
    you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5
    minutes of each other."
    The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the
    doctor, "They have all had little boys."
    The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
    "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the
    confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and
    would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help & identify
    them." With that the Englishman raced past the
    doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned
    infant with dreadlocks saying,"There's no doubt about it, this boy is
    mine!"
    The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would
    have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
    "Maybe", said the Englishman, "but one of the other two is fu*king
    French
    and I'm not taking the chance!!!
     
  5. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping
    his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy
    and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, riding horses,
    mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
    soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think
    about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women
    when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

    The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the
    other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
     
  6. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,618
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    Morn Tone......

    A copper pulls this motorist over and asks; "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    Motorist answers, rather sheepishly; "Er, yes, officer. Why, was I all over
    the road?"

    "Not at all, sir", the bizzy replied, "You were driving splendidly. However,
    the fat lass in the passenger seat was a dead giveaway".

    __________________________-

    DL
     
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  8. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Hi Dave...........
     
  9. liminality

    liminality Rookie

    Mar 3, 2004
    10
    How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southerners? ........Pose the following question:
    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
    You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
    What do you do?

    Democrat Answer:
    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
    This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus

    Republican Answer:
    BANG!

    Southerner's Answer:
    BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, click.
    (Sounds of reloading.)
    Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do You kids think?"
    Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."
    BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!,BANG!,BANG!,BANG!, click.
    Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silvertips?"
     
  10. Matt LaMotte

    Matt LaMotte Formula 3

    Oct 30, 2002
    1,868
    Pensacola
    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has embezzled $10
    > > > million from him. What complicates this situation, though, is the
    > > > fact that the bookkeeper is deaf. The reason a deaf bookkeeper
    > > > was hired in the first place
    was
    > > > so he
    > > > couldn't hear anything and, therefore, couldn't testify against
    > > > anyone in court.
    > > >
    > > > When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about the
    > > > missing money, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
    > > > language.
    > > >
    > > > The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks
    > > > you stole from me?"
    > > >
    > > > The attorney then asks him the same question in sign language.
    > > >
    > > > The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
    > > >
    > > > The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
    you're
    > > > talking
    > > > about."
    > > >
    > > > That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the deaf
    > > > bookkeeper's head and says to the attorney: "Ask him again!"
    > > >
    > > > So the attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell
    him!"
    > > >
    > > > The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! OK! You win! The money's
    > > > buried in
    a
    > > > brown
    > > > briefcase behind the shed of my cousin Vinnie's backyard in Queens!"
    > > >
    > > > The Godfather yells at the attorney: "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
    > > >
    > > > To which the attorney replied: "He says you don't have the balls
    > > > to pull the trigger."
     

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