What Not To Do In Hawaii

When bodysurfing on big days, never underestimate the size of waves at Sandy Beach on O'ahu.

 

What Not To Do in Hawaii:

1. If you are white or black don't go to Waianae island of O'ahu they will beat you up bad!

2. If pulled over by a cop ( HPD ) don't argue because they are always right and destined
to give you that ticket only to buy donuts for themselves once the ticket gets paid.

3. If you are driving pay very close attention to the road or you will suffer the consequnces
running on some deep pot holes that will ruin your alignmnet, rims, and tires.

4. don't give the Hawaiians, and Samoans a look in the eye or they will say, " what!!
what!! you like fight? "

5. Never drive to Kalihi Valley at night or you will get shot at and die.

6. Don't point your index finger at trees on the mountains or menehunes will make you ill
and be sick when you get to your hotel or home and never heal. Eventually u will die.

7. Do not curse on any Hawaiian mountains and big old trees. Again you will get ill.

8. One more time.....Do Not go to the Zoo. You will waste your time and money. The most
dirtiest Zoo I've ever seen and more than half the animals died because no one is
maintaining the place.

9. Do not pick up Hookers at Hotel Street. Some say that the good looking ones are
really undercover cops. You will spend 5 days in jail and be ready to pay $1000!

10. Do not eat cooked meals at China Town. That place is infested with rats. You will get
sick heavily from diseases from rat feces. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR almost!!!!

11. Do not alter your vehicle in any shape or form without getting a recon sticker or you will
again get pulled over by donut cops all over town.

12. Do not drive I repeat do not drive up to Pali Lookout at night or your will experience
the most terrifying ghosts encounters of your sorry life. You will turn white by the time
your family and cops find you.....and will give you a ticket......for more donuts!

 

Do not milk a left for everything it is worth when you know a shallow spot in the reef is coming up. You will hear a terrible scrape as your fins drag across the reef and will then get swatted directly INTO the reef by the wave behind you. Trying to stay flat, you will come up after the water recedes and be left with no choice but to stand on the reef, gashing your knee and stepping on an urchin in the process. The urchin will damn near pierce the top of your foot, but you will continue surfing even though you are in pain, cursing like a mad man, and bleeding enough to attract every tiger shark from Hawaii to New Zealand...and the sun is going down. When you get back to your place, you will get a bottle of alcohol, some bandages, and will sterilize an Exacto knife and tweezers and become an impromptu podiatrist in hopes of removing that $#%@in' urchin. Your friend will throw up watching you do this.

Good times

 

Wowsers! Some good advice there! I've been to Oahu 38+/- times in the last
10 years on business ("Manhattan with palm trees") and have heard MOST of your
list... I have a few new ones to add

The "white folks on the wrong beach" thing I have PERSONAL experience with



Jedi (next on Oahu in March.... are you on Oahu? If so, let's get together at Uncle Bo's!)

 

1. Never surf Country on a rising swell

2. Never drop in on a local who's up and riding. That will be your fastest ticket to the Emergency Room.

3. Never beep your horn at another driver unless you're ready to get out of the car and settle the conflict with your fists.

4. If another driver lets you merge or cut in front, give a mellow shaka with your left hand. Giving a peace sign will make you look like a kook.

5. Never take raw meat over the Pali Highway at night, the last thing you will see is a lady in a flowing white dress.

6. Never go to the old Chinese cemetery in the back of Manoa Valley on a full moon, trust me on this one.

7. Never say "Hey brah, what's da haps?" unless you were born and raised here.

8. Always use lots of sunscreen at the beach, the Hawaiian sun is merciless to white skin.

9. On the weekends stay away from the Waikiki Trade Center and Kuhio Avenue in general unless you want to scrap with Marines from Kaneohe, popolos, or get shot by an undercover security officer who somehow managed to sneak a handgun into Zanzibar and McDonalds.

10. Don't drive the road to Hana and particularly the southern route around Haleakala if you have motion sickness.

11. Place a "Friends and Family of the Honolulu Police Department" red sticker in a prominent location on your Ferrari's windshield so that Occifer Futang can get a clear view when he pulls you over.

12. Always keep a couple HPD officers' cellphone numbers on speed dial in case you get pulled over for not having a front license plate on your F-car. Trust me on this one.

 

"On the weekends stay away from the Waikiki Trade Center and Kuhio Avenue in general unless you want to scrap with Marines from Kaneohe, popolos, or get shot by an undercover security officer who somehow managed to sneak a handgun into Zanzibar and McDonalds."

LOL, I brokered the sale of the WTC back in 1983 and it was big trouble back then!

Jim

 

Awesome list!!!!!!

I think you cannot take pork over the Pali too (cooked or no).

Love the stories the guys tell that paddled out in a rising NS swell and got surprised. (got fear?, stuff of nightmares for me!)

Lets add...

Dont pat that cute asian child on the head.

Dont go to the movie theater with empty pockets! (You should have 20 dollars worth of snacks and a couple of bottles of your favorite beverege on your person hidden from view!

I am sure more will come to me.

 

I used to risk very high speeding tickets going up Kam Highway to catch those rising swells! Amazing what we do when we are 18-22! Once there, ONLY surf as a white boy with local friends.

 

Beware the Coconut Wireless, for there is no greater speed than communication among local cuz's reacting to a slight, be it real or perceived.

Q: Is the food off local catering trucks still good & plentiful? I was drawn to them as I noticed locals didn't eat until they were full, they ate until they couldn't move.

 

I scored a Reyn Spooner dress shirt today off the rack at Ross..

MSRP: $105.00
Retail: $12.99

You heard it here!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled cautionary thread.....

 

Oh, cool. I got a Duke Kahanamoku shirt for about same price a while back - it's made of bamboo & breathes/wears/washes great.

 

I'll have to remember to snap a pic of the Aloha shirt side of my closet otherwise known as the business wear side. Makes my friends laugh whenver they come for a visit. My prize is a vintage Reyn Spooner that my wife hates.

 

Lmao I have my aloha shirts i.e. business casual organized by reyn spooner, tori richards, tommy bahamas, etc. My staff got me an awesome spooner for Xmas with surfboards all over.

 

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This was the Xmas gift. Tits.

I wore this classic spooner to work today for aloha Friday.
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I just spent my first two weeks ever about 1hr south of kona in a rented oceanfront hose.

I am addicted.

 

I really like the surfboard one!!!!!!

Nice!

 

This is good reading. I will be back on Oahu in a little over a week and it will be my first time going without my wife. Usually she keeps me out of trouble as she grew up in Honolulu so I will need to be a little more aware this time. I will be the "guide" for my friends.... could be trouble if we do little to much drinking. Better not try to talk local :O)

 

Do not go to the Luau at the Polynesian Cultural Center. It's run by the Mormons, they serve no alcohol, good luck getting seconds, they rush you out, the hula dancers are wearing pants even the girls. In a nut shell, it sucks.

Do not watch the STUPID movie at the Cultural Center either. HUGE waste of time.

Do not waste your time trying to find the liquor section at the Foodland in Laie because it does not exist.

Do not eat at Cholo's "authentic mexican" restaurant. That was the WORST "mexican" food I have ever had.

 

YEAH buddy!

I have quite a few I got there. All but I think maybe 2 were made in Hawaii.

 

Good Mex is hard to find here. The best ones I have found are the one on the cobblestone walk on Fort Street Mall accross from the HPU campus and oddly, in the Windward Mall in Kaneohe there is a mex restaraunt near the Straub entrance and Movie Theater side right when you walk in. They have no idea how to serve the food, its comical to have to build your food the way it should already be prepared but they do have the authentic "Los Angeles" style flavors down. Once you build it up into a copy of an; for those of you familiar with Southern California Icons Super-Mex or El Tarasco offering, you will be north of 10 dollars for a burrito!... but it tastes so good I bring it home often!

 

Do not forget that "Mahalo" actually means trash. To remind you, it is written on every trash can you will see...

 

I totally agree. Los Chaparros on Beretania is so-so and I sometimes swing by Diegos on King on my way home from boxing lessons but mostly because it's cheap and fast. Toritos is meh and Wahoo's is so non-authentic it reminds me of Compadres LMAO.

 

I found two real ones at Goodwill also, they look great after being at my cleaners..

I'll need to stop in there more often!!