The New Joke Thread------------

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few
Inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

 

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the
imminent birth of their respective children.

One is an Frenchman , one English and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these
situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying
"Gentlemen
you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5
minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the
doctor, "They have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the
confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and
would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help & identify
them." With that the Englishman raced past the
doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned
infant with dreadlocks saying,"There's no doubt about it, this boy is
mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would
have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"Maybe", said the Englishman, "but one of the other two is fu*king
French
and I'm not taking the chance!!!

 

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping
his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, riding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think
about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the
other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.


One turns to the other and says "dam"


**********


Two peanuts walk into a bar


One was asalted.


**********


A jump-lead walks into a bar.


The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


**********


A sandwich walks into a bar.


The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


**********


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


**********


A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:


"A beer please, and one for the road."


**********


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.


The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


*********


Two cannibals are eating a clown.


One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


**********


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."


"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."


"Is it common?"


"It's not unusual."


**********


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly


"I was artificially inseminated this morning."


"I don't believe you," said Dolly.


"It's true, no bull!"


**********


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.


One says, "I've lost my electron."


"Are you sure?"


The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


**********



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,


"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "


"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"


So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.


Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."


"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"


"No, because he's really heavy"


**********


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I


couldn't find any.


**********


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid


that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.


And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


**********


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.


He was pulled in by a strong currant.


*********


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van


covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.


Police say that he topped himself.


**********


What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh


*********


Two fish are in a tank


One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

 

Tourism in Australia

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contactthe girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

Tny, your jokes are somewhat fishy - you missed

Two sharks one sayd to the other - your plaice or mine

 

Robin,
that's truly awful !!
T

 

Here's my 4 yr old daughter's fav[and only] joke;

Why did the skeleton cross the road?


To get to the body shop !!
BOOM BOOM.

 

Last 1 today;

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you
know, sh*g carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in
a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his
van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having s*x?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... "You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
seen."

 

LOL,Thats one for the pub tonight cheers

Dale.

 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

 

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

 

How do you castrate a vicar?

Hit the choir boy in the back of the head

 

at least i thought this was funny !
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

 

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF!....she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the *****willows." Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

 

Scotty is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Scotty, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to enquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama bottoms,moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled
up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this Scotty pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?

 

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off
to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes
flying along too close to the kerb & takes off the door, before speeding off.
The lawyer is distraught. One of his colleagues calls the police who arrive
five minutes later.
Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts
screaming hysterically "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
No matter how long it's with the panel beater it'll simply never be the same
again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off
when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F***ing hell!" he screams,
"Where's my Rolex?"

 

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

 

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich

 

Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?

A. A leisure center

 

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK



1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

A man calls in to work. "I can't come in today.." The boss says, "Why what's wrong?" " My doctor says I have Anal Gucoma." Again the boss asks, "What's Anal Gucoma?" "I don't see my ass coming in today"

 

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and, lo and behold, a genie appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "I'm sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.?

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable".

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help around the house, is a great lover, is faithful, gets along with my family and doesn't watch sport all the time. Surely that's simple enough?"

The genie let out a sigh and finally said "Let me see that map again".